Hello, I am an overcomer.
My battle with sexual sin has been a part of my life from a young age. By the time that my Sunday School teacher was gung ho about giving the infamous “purity talk,” I was already battling an all-consuming addiction to pornography. By my mid teens, I was a victim of child pornography, suicidal, and self-harming. I would wrestle with my body and sexuality for the years that followed. My view of relationships, even under the umbrella of the Christian faith, were marred by an equally dysfunctional family of alcoholism, promiscuity, and an affair.
Sexual sin happened in silence, and apparently, silence was everywhere. A deeply spiritual person, I could not imagine where God was in this all. About a week ago, I brought this humiliatingly “doubting Thomas” sort of question to my pastor. I even articulated that it had come to my attention that I was even angry at God. He smiled. Then the questions began pouring out of my heart. “Where was God when my innocence was corrupted this way? Where was God when I struggled so hard not to fall into sin every single night? Why didn’t He stop me? Why didn’t He stop my abusers? Why had He let glorious creation of sexuality turn into this ugly monster in my life? Did he care that my life was falling apart?
The answer came suddenly, much unlike these questions that had probably been building for years only to surface now in their intensity. “Why,” I asked, “didn’t God come save me?” My pastor answered me with another question, “Isn’t this God saving you?” Right now, I have been out of rehab for a little over two years and I am in the middle of a beautifully chaotic recovery from sexual sin, PTSD, and an eating disorder. I am living on my own, integrated into a strong community of believers, and am finally succeeding in my undergraduate education. God is redeeming me from the inside out and it is hard for me to deny that He is at work here. Internally, He is shaping my view of sexuality and I want to somehow reclaim a part of my purity after years in sexual shame.
This is only a piece of my story, but I crave for God’s redemption to be a piece of yours too. Every so often, life knocks me off my feet and I have to sort through the chaos to find a priceless gem. I am sure that you will have the pleasure of engaging with those conundrums if you stick with this community long enough. Or that chaotic catastrophe might be you right now. The moment that I began this blog and the moment I will publish this article, I am anxious in who will cross my path. The shame is crippling. However, I have found nothing in this world that stands against me. God is for us. He is overcoming; He is the overcomer.